Recently I sat to write down what my spiritual beliefs are. Have you ever done that? Put it all in print? Try it sometime. It is harder than it appears.
Anyway, I wrote it mostly for my daughters. Now in their late 20's and early 30's (!), I had never let them know my spiritual beliefs. Decided it was time to do so, for all they ever knew is dad beliefs are different than mom's. I also wrote it for my wife, Barb. The only person I have ever discussed my beliefs with, I thought it would be handy for her to see a summation should I croak the next day. I also wrote it for a dear friend who has recently altered her spiritual journey. A ying to her yang?
Since sending it to the selected few, there has been a ripple effect. Requests of "Can I read it?" have come from more than a few quarters. In the past I would have brushed such requests off. My spiritual beliefs are nobodies business but my own. But I have become reckless with age. So what the hell. I'll make my drivel easy to find. Almost assured to piss many off, here's what I wrote.... though keep in mind the thoughts are subject to future change.
And to my daughters, who will stumble across this someday - I love you dearly. Don't let "the powers that be" influence you. Question your presumptions more vigorously than your critics. Then, listen to your spirit and heart. You'll know what to do.
I have sworn upon the alter of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.
- Thomas Jefferson
Lindsay and Carly,
You have asked about my spiritual beliefs, which in the past I was reluctant to discuss. For no other reason than you were attending the Presbyterian Church with mom, and I didn't want to interfere with that in any way possible. Since you are no longer attending that church, here is a summary of my beliefs. Consider this a starting point in time for comparison sake, should something strange or wonderful happen to me tomorrow.
But it's not really a starting point. It's the end-point after having explored fifty-plus years worth of changing ends. Wait. That statement is incorrect. It's actually the middle of my thoughts and beliefs because "the end" has always been somewhere out in the distance - shrouded by a light fog. I suspect it will always be. So here goes, without cautions and wherefores. My current beliefs about religion, spirituality, physics, philosophy, star gazing, insect gazing, why the topics intersect, and how they are all tied together. As always, subject to change.
A brief history
I was raised a Presbyterian and went to church often. My mom was the church secretary, so not going was never an option. I have the attendance "medals" to prove it. Testament to eleven or so years of near-perfect attendance at sunday school and church sermons. But attending, and being present are two different things. I was present for about the first third of the time, and merely attended the rest to satisfy family wishes.
The first sign I was about to dive into religious purgatory came at a young age. In sunday school I was introduced to the most revered tenant of religion: You must accept God into your heart before you can enter heaven. Or the kingdom. The words heaven and kingdom were spoke as though they started with a capital "H" or "K", to emphasize how important it was that we understand. All the kids in my class nodded solemnly. But I had been introduced to what an atheist is. Darned books.
"So an atheist can't go to heaven?"
"Right", said my teacher.
Well, okay. An atheist chooses their belief. I had also read a children's book about Northwest Indians and their culture. As near as I could tell, Indians had lived for centuries without knowing a stitch about God. They sure as hell weren't Presbyterians. "What about the Indians? They didn't believe in God. What happened to them?" I visualized millions of Indians suspended in a never-world.
"Uhhh......", she said.
A few weeks later I asked our minister. He stumbled through an unconvincing, rambling answer. All I could think about was those Indians. Are they forever lost?
When one door closes, another opens. Not sure whether it is true or not, but in this case: Religion lost a child, a teenager discovered spirituality. At a YMCA, of all places. More accurately, in the woods of the Olympic Peninsula and on the shores of the Pacific Ocean during YMCA trips. It was there I found a place that connected to now, and infinity. Whenever I feel a need for inspiration, I head for the hills or shores..... to watch and listen. That's where my temple is.
So that's the brief version of how I arrived where I am today. Let's get to the what, and reveal the why later. Here is the "I believe...." part. It's not a how-to. I also wouldn't presume to tell you it's 'right'. It is merely my framework, an ever changing scaffold from which I alone build.
Core Beliefs
- The core tenant is this notion: We are granted, at birth, a free will. To do with as we please. Good, bad, indifferent or amazing. It is all possible. I choose. You choose. To explore. Question. Ignore. Discover. The paths we choose are ours alone. There is no divine inspiration or intervention. No preordained plan. No destiny. Thus, we are truly free - in the most magnificently inspirational, and spectacularly frightening, manner possible.
- All you need to accomplish your goals is provided. It may not be easy to find, but it is there. For what you want to build, what you want to use, what you want to accomplish, and what you wish to think. Everything you need is available but the supply is not infinite, so choose wisely. You are a guardian of the supply, not the owner.
- Be curious. Always. Don't force anything. A little discomfort is always good. Let an idea or opportunity find you. In short, Get out of our own way.
- Be generous. Be kind. We are the ultimate social-ape. Our collective intelligence far exceeds that of even the most intelligent group of individuals. So share your knowledge and wisdom. Time and money. Your good nature. Your concern and hopes for others.
- The Ten Commandments and Golden Rule is all the religion you will ever need. Don't waste your time reading the rest. You will spend a lifetime trying to live up to the standards within those two documents. And you will fail. Keep trying.
That's It?
First, let me emphasize that I have never accomplished executing my core beliefs into anything resembling an ideal. They serve as an unattainable goal worth striving for, and a guide. Secondly, I intentionally left each passage brief for a reason. I know somewhat well what fleshes out these concepts in my life, but thought it best to leave them "bare" because there is a chance one may resonate with you, but for different reason. Hopefully something did, for you. Let me know your thoughts. I would be thrilled to hear them. Now, though, I will try to describe how I arrived at these core beliefs. And lastly, a housekeeping note. From here on I will lump the terms spiritual and religion together, and their variants as well. I know there are differences between the two, quite substantial actually, but unless necessary to make a particular point I will settle for the time being on using "religion" as a catch-all term. Also being used as a catch-all for the sake of brevity, I will lump Allah, Jehovah, Buddah, Supreme Being and other such terms together under "God".
I rarely discuss the topics above with anyone other than Barb, because my opinions are so often viewed as being really "out there'. As though coming from a second universe (more on that in a moment). But on the rare occasion I engage in discussions, the first question asked is usually "Do you believe in God?" My reply is always "I don't know." I'm not sure whether there is a God, so I sit squarely atop the fence on this subject. For most, my waffling opinion automatically disqualifies me from being able to have an intelligent discussion regarding religion, or to have beliefs remotely resembling those found in a spiritual soul. I believe having such attitude is very short sighted, but I'll never convince those who have made up their minds otherwise.
According to the book of Genesis, God created the earth and heavens. According to research physicists, maybe so, maybe not. We're not saying. I side more with the physicists view, but only recently has scientific discoveries fallen into alignment with my long standing views. Looking at the vastness of space and the intricacy of life on this planet, many see this as proof that only God could have created it. I look at the same vastness and intricacy and wonder why God would create such a monstrous set of objects if we (the earth) are the only live beings to work with. Overkill, isn't it? Or is there other life? If so, do "they" have their religions, too? It's very unlikely that if this is so, our religious beliefs would jibe with theirs. We can't agree amongst ourselves. Would beings from a different section of the universe be more advanced than we, less, or the same? Better able to assimilate behind a unified ideal, unlike us? In short, why all the shit out there? The Holy Book is silent in that regard.
Back to the physicists. The Holy Grail in the study of physics has been to find the Unified Theory which will tie all the loose threads together. As it stands now, each proven concept (relativity, string, quantum mechanics) has unique problems when scaled to tiny or massive scales. Whew. The mystery surrounding God's creation of the universe is still relatively safe. However, during the last five years a group of physicists have come up with what may be the holy grail creator, and I don't use that term lightly. It turns out a very long held belief, that something can't be made from nothing, is wrong. It IS possible and on a cosmic scale. This could toss the "Only God could have created this" theory on its ear. Often used as yet another reason to believe, what if this idea were not certain? Or is flat out wrong? It would shift the debate to "Maybe God could have done this, but natural forces could have do it as well. We simply don't know." This latest development is probably keeping religious leaders up at night.
Those pesky physicists have also made another discovery. It is not only possible, it is highly likely we are not the only universe to exist. So see, my ideas JUST MAY originate from a second universe after all, and I don't know it. Leaving that absurd thought aside, knowing multiple universes may exist should throw a whole new light on our religious studies. Uncertainty is the friend and enemy of all religions. Uncertainty as defined by Elders and pundits, at least, and lavish attention is paid to nurturing our hopes and fears in order to keep us coming back to church.They define the hopes we are to aspire to based on a narrow set of constraints. What if those most basic and revered constraints are tossed to the wind by science? Religion and science have always maintained a shaky level of cordiality. How quickly will that dissolve if, or more likely, when it is proven multiple universes exist? I'll stick with my core beliefs to avoid getting anywhere near that all-but-certain bloodbath. I'm confused enough as it is.
A word about The Word. I'm not sure what to think about it. Yep, pure blasphemy on my part. Not that everything within the bible is intrinsically horrid, or to even a significant amount. That's not my problem. But I have yet to find a True Believer who will admit the Bible has obvious shortcomings. For one thing, it was written by humans based on their recall of events. By any measure this should immediately bring out the red flags. We have all participated in the game at school where a short message is repeated from person to person, and by the time it reaches the last person the message is essentially mangled. Most any cop can tell you about interviewing witnesses to a robbery, and finding nearly as many descriptions of what happened as there are people being interviewed. Brain science has proven, within the last fifteen years, that humans are among the worst species on the planet at accurately recalling events. Gerbils and robins are vastly superior to us in this respect. Yet we choose to believe as gospel (no pun intended) the word of people, eyewitnesses we are told, to events a couple thousand years ago and more. Were they better at recall back then? Maybe, but we have no proof either way. Further, it was written by people who believed the world was flat, the sun rotated around the stars, and slavery, accompanied by a good dose of eye gouging, was acceptable. Okay, they didn't know better. I can accept that. But does that mean we should feel compelled to accept each phrase as literal truth? Fundamentalists, true believers, and a lot of not-so-true believers say yes. This subject, too, is bound to cause people to view me as a pariah for I say ignore a fair amount of what was written. There is more to debate here. I tolerate bible thumpers quite easily, even though I disagree with many of their views (and constraints). The last entry in my core beliefs sums it up for me in this area. What counts is applying the important principles to our lives. Why do people insist on making religion more difficult than necessary? An insider club with a secret handshake to learn. It's tough enough to do in a basic form. Like Jesus did. Oops. Shouldn't have said that. I'm not supposed to be a believer. Everyone who knows me, knows that.
I'm rambling again. My bad habit. Besides, who cares what I think? Nobody. I'm on the fringe looking in. Haven't sat through a sermon since I was 16 years old. Haven't studied the bible six ways to Sunday. Haven't joined the masses in song and worship. This tome is long on proclamations, short on substance and fact. Even worse, my "church" is found anywhere a bunch of trees, birds, mountains, insects and water intersect. Not much of a church for most, but it shines with brilliance for me. The residents there "talk" to me, pass along their wisdom of the ages, though I am not much of a believer in mysticism - which is necessary to believe an insect can talk to me in such a way. One of the many, many contradictions within my beliefs, yet to be worked out. I guess that is the crux of my confusion. Choosing what is right to do on this earth is fairly easy to understand, though hugely difficult to do. Aligning my beliefs with the rhythms of nature and the universe - that's a real challenge. But a task I think would be helpful for when one dies. There is such a huge universe out there. So huge, that to believe when one dies, one merely goes to heaven seems..... absurd. Or is wishful thinking. I firmly believe that. Want to know why? Because an ant told me so. Okay, not really. But it gets at the general idea. I believe you can learn more about God and spirit by "talking" with nature, than you will ever learn in a church. You learn to see and begin to understand how the threaded rhythms, and occasional jolts, effect your life. About the ebb and flow of pressures, and how randomness is a normal state.
A word about getting out of your own way. I stole that line. Heard it in the movie "Bagger Vance" and it really resonated with me. Have always had reservations about the popular concept of visualization. The idea you can practice a task or goal in your mind to the point that when finally taking action, it becomes second nature. I can see this as being helpful to a degree, but the practice comes with constraints. What happens when events don't unfold as you visualized? Your preparation is toast. Back to square one. That dramatic shortcoming in the process is why the idea of "getting out of your own way" appeals to me.
Rather than prepping your mind as with the visualization method, one quiets the mind. You throw out the all garbage floating around. The expectations. The preparation. Instead, you melt into the moment. You become a blank slate, alert to everything but not thinking about anything. Just aware of your presence in that brief moment. In the movie, the example of "getting out of you own way" was about making a single golf shot. There are many ways to make the shot, but there is only one best way. So your choice is whether you try to find out what that shot is, or.... you can let it find you. I know from my sports playing days, my best moments happened when I was so totally in the moment, the best shot seemingly came from nowhere. But it really didn't. It didn't mystically appear, as some would assert. God didn't have a plan that included my winning a game. No, I had found the perfect shot simply because I had somehow removed the clutter that was getting in my way. I helped it find me. It's so easy to do. Yet is also hard to do - all the time.
Which brings us back to the part about having a free will. This is the where I get the most spiritual. At some point during my "there is/isn't a God" vacillations, I considered this question: What would a loving God's most cherished gift to us be? A lot came to mind, but then it hit me. It wouldn't be anything about Him (or Her, let's be fair). A loving God wouldn't consider giving a selfish gift. No, it would have to be about you. Each, you. And would be the most incredible gift possible. Hmmm.
Discovering what 'The Gift' could be was easier than expected. An ant blurted it out one day. Naw, just screwing with you. I had been married to Barb for a fairly long time. Long enough to have been told point blank by four friends that if anything happened between Barb and I, they would be on her doorstep the next morning. Thanks for the heads up, you neanderthal jerks. I also knew of two guys who had taken serious runs at making Barb the center of their universe, since our marriage. I even dropped Barb off for a dinner date with one of the guys that I knew was trying to win her over. Drove her there! Barb was oblivious to his intent until half way through their 'date', and was quite angry with me after learning that I sensed what he was up to. How many husbands would be strange enough to do that for the wife they love?
But that's the point. Exactly the point. It's all about free will. I love Barb so much that I am willing to help her leave me if that is what it takes to make her happy. It's her decision. Her path to choose. It's her free will. To stay or to leave. No repercussions. No anger. Can you imagine a more grand gift to give someone you truly love? I can't. And the joy it brings in return is incredible. No, it is beyond incredible to be with someone who chooses to be with you of their own free will, rather than their feeling like they should be with you because of a twisted sense of obligation.
So, what if I were A God and applied that idea on a worldly scale? What would happen? You would be given absolute freedom to accept and follow, or to walk away. The freedom to bounce back, forth and around. Try many paths on for size to see what fits, and what doesn't. I believe that is what happens. You are not directed along certain paths, and there isn't a plan for you. But there is faith. Faith in your ability to lead a life of virtue and compassion. To lead a good life because you have been given free will. Whatever path you take is up to you, and at the end of life you must make yet another decision - with your free will, of course.
Makes more sense to me than that rigamarole taught by churches. And seems more in line with the rhythms of nature, which also chooses its path though a form of free will. I love neat and tidy endings. Don't you?
In closing, I love this line:
"I had a different teacher."
-Dad